novelnext [361] 4.82 Doldrums Before Fate II
[361] 4.82 Doldrums Before Fate II
Four days pass uneventfully, and after my Ethertech and Spellcraft class ends on Thursday afternoon, I walk over to the Student Resources Center and prepare myself mentally for my next appointment with Samantha. I consider flying there; that would be faster. But by walking, hiding my wings, and not drawing too much attention to my metal arm, I find that I can blend in as just another student with hardly any difficulty.“Hey there,” a preppy male student with crystal blue eyes and the ever-popular ‘more on top’ hair cut says. “New student here?”
I decide to play along, given I still have close to fifteen minutes before I need to check in. A little fun never hurt anyone. It’s not like I have anything to worry about even if things go wrong.
“Something like that. Are you?”
“Junior studying… Well, I was studying history and political science, although I’m not sure how useful either of them really are anymore.” He chuckles nervously.
“I can’t speak for political science, since I don’t know what politics and governments are going to look like over the coming weeks. But I still think that history has a lot to teach us. This might be different in its nature, but it’s hardly the first time that there has been some new technology or innovation that has revolutionized the world and forced society to completely warp around it. I mean, heck, the idea of everyone having computers in our pockets was unfathomable thirty years ago… Well, definitely fifty years ago.”
“You really think so?”
“I mean, I was more of a science nerd than a history buff, but it sounds right.”
“Well, I appreciate it in any case. Name’s Tyler, by the way.” He offers his hand.
I shake it. “Sera,” I say. More and more I’m preferring to go by my full name, but for the sake of playing along with the disguise, I decide not to give my full— and relatively uncommon— name away.
Idly, I muse that the revelations from Hank do explain quite a bit. Why would I just randomly be given the same name as my former self? Even if I were her reincarnation, it wouldn’t make sense. But now knowing that I’m a clone rather than a true reincarnation, and that Hank would have known my actual name, probably means that he told Theo my name. Simple explanations for what would otherwise have been wild coincidences.
“By the way,” Tyler continues. “That’s a pretty neat prosthetic arm you’ve got. Is that one of the new models that’s come on the market recently?”
“It’s a bit older, actually. I think I’ve had it since… late May or early June, I want to say.”
“Really? It looks like one of the new models that was just developed in the last couple of months.”
It’s actually exactly backwards. Those models of prosthetics that he refers to are modeled off mine, rather than the other way around. But again, he doesn’t need to know that. “Mine must be a prototype, I guess.”
“Pretty neat, then. I guess despite being a student, you’ve been in a few fights before, or know someone in high places; seems like soldiers and shit are the only ones getting the latest models right now; everyone else is still on conventional tech. Must be nice.”
“It’s an experience for sure. But it’s not all bad. Nor is it all good. The fighting gets to even the most battle-loving of people after a while.”
“You sound like you speak from experience.”
“I am. I do apologize, but I have to get going. I have a meeting in about ten minutes and it would be bad if I’m late.”
“Well, perhaps I’ll… see you around sometime?”
“Maybe.” And I don’t think I would hate it, either. He didn’t ogle me, he didn’t make any untoward advances, didn’t push into my personal space. I mean, maybe he’s still thinking about it down the line, but if he tries anything funny, I know Chloe will see to it that he’s fully unable to do anything he might be interested in. Until then, I might even welcome it.
Right on time, I find myself being called back to Samantha’s office. It seems the supervisor went through with my advice after all. No longer can I hear any of the conversations going on in the sound-suppressed rooms unless I really focus on it, and I’m not about to break client confidentiality in the name of mere curiosity.
The couch is just as comfortable as I remember it, and this time, I actually do accept Samantha’s offer for a glass of water. Just plain, still don’t understand the allure of lemon water.
“Before we get started for this session, I just wanted to ask how you were feeling more generally, and if the meditation techniques we worked on last time helped any.”
“They did,” I say. “And overall, I’m feeling… Well, I’m definitely stressed with all the changes in my daily life that I’m still adjusting to, but that’s more manageable and growing easier every day as I settle in. It’s everything else that’s keeping me awake. So to speak. I slept quite well last night literally.”
“It’s good to hear that your stress isn’t causing any physiological problems. No unexplained weight loss, no, um, sexual dysfunction?”
“Definitely not, no.” I blush.
“That’s good to hear. Is there anything in particular since last time that you want to talk about? Something specific that’s weighing you down this afternoon?”
“Yeah.” A deep breath to gather my thoughts and think about my words. “I’ve got a big conflict coming up in just over a week. There’s going to be a massive fight.”
“With monsters? One of those dungeon crawls?”
“Yes, and no. Sorry, the specifics are something I can’t talk about. I know, we have confidentiality in here, but also… not ready to think about and talk about exactly what all that’s going to entail.”
“That’s not a problem; we can take this at your own pace. And I can understand how it would be difficult to handle daily life and stressors when such a challenge is looming over the horizon. Are you dreading it?”
“How could I not? I mean, don’t get me wrong, when I’m out there, I’ll be completely in my element. I’ll actually be having fun fighting even though I’ll be in absolutely ridiculous pain. So it’s not the fighting itself that I dread, but just the very real risk that I’ll die. And more than that, the very real risk that I won’t be the only one who dies if the battle goes south.
“It’s just a massive burden, and in a lot of situations, I know that you and my girlfriend will talk about the need to take care of myself before I can help others, but what do you do when you don’t have the option to do that? Sorry, my thoughts are all kinda jumbled up right now.”
Samantha smiles. “That’s why we’re here, Seraphina, to help you try to figure all that out.”
“But like, what am I supposed to do? You know, when I’m in a stressful situation and I have no choice but to power on through? I have to imagine that that’s a common occurrence, even if the stakes might be a little higher in my case.”
“I think this is fairly common among emergency dispatchers… The people who handle 911 calls. A lot of vicarious trauma. Same in healthcare, which you said your girlfriend works in.” Samantha takes more notes. Always more documentation. “Is there anyone you can share the burden with?”
“I don’t think so. And that’s what troubles me. I don’t participate in most of the monster fights that attack the outskirts anymore. It’s just too much of a hassle, plus I need to make sure that everyone else can continue to fight and gain Experience and levels and such. Like, even if I could handwave all the problems away, there’s still going to be the really big shit– ” I cover my mouth with my hand.
“Sorry, the really big stuff that only I can deal with.”
“It’s fine. I promise you, Seraphina, I have heard far worse language from some of my clients before.”
“Anyway, sorry, but it’s like, I didn’t want the role of being Lady Protector alongside my girlfriend, and I didn’t want to deal with all that responsibility, but it seems like I’ve had the role foisted upon me anyway. Spare me the title and the recognition; I like being able to enjoy occasional anonymity, but I could really go for the pay or benefits.”
“And you cannot simply decline that role?”
“I mean, I could. But people would die if I did. And that’s–”
“You feel like those deaths would be your responsibility.”
“It’s sort of the notion of the Good Samaritan as is popularly talked about. Yes, I would be thanked for saving everyone’s sorry asses, but I don’t want the structure of the world to get shaped around that. I want to be able to help out at my leisure, without having to fear that if I don’t constantly intervene, that people are going to die.”
“Just throwing out an idea, but have you tried training up some apprentices?”
“That’s part of the reason why I was pushing the idea of teaching Combat Training with Administration this semester. But that’s going to take months to see any real benefits. And yes, the military helps and they do a decent job, all things considered. I even kinda like some of them, strange as that would have sounded just a few months ago.
“But when the demon Forneith attacked back on the first day of class, we definitely weren’t going to survive if I hadn’t been there. Well, if any of us hadn’t been there, but I’m part of ‘any of us’ in that sentence.”
“That makes sense, Seraphina. If I understand correctly, you don’t mind playing the role of hero from time to time, but you don’t want to feel obligated to fill that role all the time.”
“It’s not even that. It’s that I don’t want to see society structured around the idea that there needs to be some superhero or a Lady Protector or a guardian angel or whatever else. Because I’m not going to be around forever, and I don’t want anyone to get the idea that I will be.”
And that part is entirely truthful. At some point down the line, I’m going to leave with Chloe to venture into outer space, in search of our respective destinies. That’ll probably not happen for decades, maybe several decades, but it will happen. That part of my future I look forward to unequivocally.
Samantha actually thinks for several seconds. I worry that she’s going to try to tell me that I have responsibilities, give me some speech about ‘from each according to her abilities’, as if I should give two shits about a society that didn’t–
Deep breaths, Seraphina.
“Sorry, Samantha. I tensed up for a moment, thinking about my own past. About how I grew up poor, forgotten, living in… let’s just say not the greatest part of town.”
“Are you local?”
I nod. “Yeah, I just feel like no one was around to help me when I was growing up except Chloe and her parents. Now everyone’s out there begging me for assistance now that I have the power. Power that I fought and scraped for and put my life on the line for. The same assistance I didn’t get when I was young and really could have used it, and it doesn’t feel fair or right and…” Another deep breath. Then I laugh in nervousness. “I must be a real basketcase.”
“Not at all, Seraphina. And please, let us not say such words and pass judgement upon our thoughts and feelings in a derogatory manner. We are here, after all, to help you understand and process these feelings, as well as the challenges of your life. No matter what those challenges may be.”
“Thank you, Samantha,” I say. “But it may take some time. Old habits die hard, especially the bad ones.”
“And that’s okay. The occasional backslide is part of the growth process. Now then, shall we continue?”