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Chapter 444
Day 102 – Morning, White Weirdo InnFlat Gaze is great. Flat Gaze is really great, but they are glaring at me with that Flat Gaze with tears in their eyes, and they are super mad?! I mean, barging into the room without even knocking and immediately attacking me isn’t exactly polite, so I decided to give them a little disciplinary punishment for educational purposes, and they are getting mad at me for it? I really put in the effort, getting hands deep into it, and still, they flipped out and started lecturing me! And I even have to sit in seiza for this?!
「Oh look, it’s a messenger soldier. He’s a Middle-Aged Man, so do I just go with 『Fight』? Or maybe 『Beat Down』or 『Bury』? Kinda hard to pick here. Hmm, how about all of them above?」
「Don’t pick all at the same time! Why are those the only three options just for showing up with a message?! He’s just a messenger, at least hear him out!」
Even though this Middle-Aged Man totally didn’t read the mood and came to pollute a nice and refreshing morning with the stench of an old man, I wasn’t allowed to attack him. A pretty puzzling and frustrating beginning to the day. No permission. No justice. Total disappointment. Even though I had just barely escaped from a teary-eyed Flat Gaze seiza lecture by Armored Pres-san and Dancing Girl-san, I still wasn’t allowed to have an elegant outburst to my frustration?
「The unit from the royal capital marched out at dawn toward the new Fake Dungeon. After a rest at MuriMuri Castle, they’re currently en route again. They are expected to arrive in town by evening.」
「Thank you very much. In that case, could you please ask Mellotosam-sama if we’re to observe the First Division and the Royal Guard’s Dungeon training tomorrow, and depart the day after?」
Apparently, the messenger brought a message for the interpreter. Why would they assume a translation would be required though? Everyone here can speak the language of this world, what a mystery. Still, since the road from the capital is a straight, fully leveled plain, they can march pretty fast, but the messengers are quick too. There is a clear sight on the road all the way to the horizon, so the lookout with 『Far Sight』 stationed in the watchtower can spot incoming people right away.
「Hey-heey, you gonna go meet them and be all like, 『Honey, I’ve been waiting for you ♪ (sparkle)』 or something? Can I burn you a bit? Just a little? Not even ashes or illusions or memories will remain?」
「「「「「How is that 『just a little』?! Also, we aren’t saying that! Where did you pull that 『Honey』from?!」」」」
This kind of annoyed me, so I pulled out a gun-tonfa, but they already were in a defensive formation with a shieldwall up. How shrewd, even though they are just Idiots! Also, I can’t burn people indoors, you know? Every time I do, the poster girl ends up tearfully mad at me.
「「「Hyu-hyu! Shouldn’t you be holding a bouquet and saying, 『The nights without you were so long, I couldn’t sleep at all, my sweet ❤』 like a proper fiance?!」」」
「「「I did sleep! Slept like a rock! Also, who the hell is my sweet?!」」」
Still irritated, I pulled out the grenade nail bat I’d made for the Middle-Aged Monks, but then the Thicc Spat Girls pounced on me and pinned me down. I can’t kill them if you are holding me down like this, you know? With a grenade, I could blast through the shields, then go full swing with the nail bat and absolutely destroy them. And so began the morning JK sandwich battle royale, while the Idiots miserably chewed on cucumber sandwiches. Yes, yes, you have to eat your vegetables too? Not that it can possible cure their idiocy though?
「You’re not going to greet them? The armor, swords, and shields for the macho ladies are all finished, you know? If you want, I’ll even sell you a bouquet at top rip-off price? For tuxedos you probably still have the ones from the ball? Also, I don’t have white horses, but the horse that used to pull my carriage has turned into a black-gray steed, and grew into quite a huge specimen, full of energy, now with eight legs and still growing strong, so wanna ride it? It comes with standard horse armor and spends its days happily kicking goblins and kobolds to death in the forest? Want me to call it over?」
「No, we are going to a dungeon so, wait, that horse was a monster after all!」 「Yeah yeah, they’ll be arriving this evening, so… that thing was a sleipnir?!」 「Thanks for the armor, sorry, it kinda seems like you were pushing yourself… wait, I thought it was too huge!」 「「「Don’t just casually free-range Sleipnir! No wonder that horse is more intimidating than a half-baked dungeon master!」」」
I really don’t get what they’re on about. This is my sweet, obedient, gentle little horsey we are talking about, who comes running adorably from anywhere the moment I call. Well, the horsey might’ve gotten way bigger than your average carriage, but it’s still cute?
(Nothing you say will help, Haruka-kun really likes that horse.) ((((Isn’t Sleipnir like a Dungeon Master-class monster?!)))) (Yeah, but it’s super affectionate and clingy now. He always gives rides to the orphan kids for fun.) ((((Wasn’t that like a divine horse?! Why the hell is it getting domesticated like that?!))))
Anyway, I want to hit level 25 today or tomorrow. Once we head to the Beastmen Country, there won’t be much chance to level up, and beyond that lies the Theocracy. Ideally, we just punch out the Pope and ship his ass straight to the white room via COD to the geezer. But strangely enough, the ones who supposedly like the geezer the most are the ones who cling to life the hardest. This forces us to perform the classic highschool love drama move of『If you love him so much then just go to him already~ Heave-ho~』 and then we give them a good encouraging shove into the geezer’s embrace, so it’s a huge pain.
「Alright, in honor of our visit to the Beastmen Country, here we have cat ears, dog ears, and bunny ears headbands, and also all sorts of attachable tails~. With this, we’re guaranteed to make friends with the beastfolk, or maybe piss them off? One of the two, for sure~」
People are foolish and shallow creatures. Just say it’s a limited-time offer, a commemorative item, or a special deal, and they’ll jump right on it. But jump for the merch, okay?
「Register-kun(Haruka), bunny ears! With the tail, please!」 「Hey, don’t you have a value pack? Like a 3-piece set or something? Register-kun?」 「Register-kun(Haruka), which one is the dog ear and which is the wolf ear?」 「Why do I have one made for raccoons?! (Gaaavuu!)」 「…Elephant ears? There are elephant beastfolk?! I-I-it has a trunk too!」 「Bear ears are adorable! The gloves and slippers are so cheeky!」 「Aaah, those bunny ear is mine~!」 「Panda ears, are those for panda beastfolk?!」 「This penguin onesie has nothing to do with beastfolk at all… but I’m buying it anyway!」 「Hey, Register-kun, make a koala onesie too! Not having one is marsupial discrimination!」 「No oni horns or tiger-stripe bikinis?! What the heck?」 「Give back the lion onesie, I’m buying that one!」 「These ears are dangerous! It says they’re mousefolk’s but something feels off!」 「The fox! Fox ears are totally fox-fox!」 「Droopy ears… Saint Bernard?!」 「Tch, thought they were cat ears, but they’re tiger ears. A trap?!」 「Where are the black cat ones, I want Kuro-chan!」 「Hey, I want the panda pajamas too!」 「A ring… wait, it’s a nose ring?! Cows?! Who even wants this?!」 「The deer antlers aren’t even kemonomimi anymore!」 「Squirrels are so cute ❤」 「Ahh, the squirrel tail is all fluffy!」 「They even have pajamas, !」 「Ah! And there are kemonomimi hoodies too?!」 「「「Where?! I want pajamas!!」」」 「Over there, there are kemonomimi hats too!」 「「「Kyaaaaaaah!!!」」」
It was a flawless plan. Line up the goods, place the payment box, and bolt. Yes, a calculated safety measure with not a single flaw, so why are there already extra orders coming in?! Too fast! Order after you’ve finished buying! Also, I had fifty bunny onesies, how are they already sold out?!
Crushed by the onrushing wall of soft flesh, swallowed and swept away beneath the deluge of thicc softness. Just in case something like this happened, I’d wrapped『Magic Thread』around the ceiling so I could escape into the air, but I can’t rise because they keep jumping on me one after another and now I’m stuck in a cocoon like some kind of hanging bagworm!
And then, thinking that since I’ve made armor and rings for their girlfriends, they would surely come to my rescue, but the Idiots immediately snuck off and vanished! Betrayal! Et tu Idiotus?!
Now trapped in the arms of thicc spats girls, I swung in circles like Foucault’s pendulum. Apparently, this world has planetary rotation, but there is no sense of restraint to high school girls.
「I get that that you lack shame, but even more than that, you seriously lack self-restraint, and even if you don’t have restraint, you do have weight… guhaaahhhh!」
「「「Don’t call maidens heavy! That’s a forbidden phrase!」」」
I’m not really sure how a forbidden phrase is different from a taboo word, but I was under verbal and physical assault from ultra-close range, in a suffocating body-on-body press! Apparently they’d picked up fa jin from practicing Taikyokuken, but couldn’t you save those moves for monsters? I’m a harmless human, okay? Even if might look like a bagworm right now? Dangle Dangle?
「No seriously, even compared to a pile of thirty orphans, this is like three times as heavy? Assuming the kids average twenty kilos each it means that… gyaaaaah!」
「「「Don’t try to calculate a maiden’s weight! A maiden only weighs as much as three apples!」」」
There’s no way that math checks out! I mean, the magic thread that can slice through and bind even monsters weighing about a ton is about to snap. I didn’t braid or reinforce it, so the durability’s reaching its limit… Aren’t you in pretty deep trouble if the average is over 50 kilos… uwaaaaaah, what are you doooing?!
Like the souls of the damned in hell would snap the Kevlar-like thread dangling from the heavens… Yep, we are over the weight capacity. (*snap… thud thudthudthud, thud!*)