DASH

Chapter 102

The afternoon training went well, and they, as always, got into the car together. Usually they finished no later than six in the evening, but because of the filming, they were delayed, and when they returned home, it was long past nine.

"I'm going to quickly run to the store. Do you want to climb first? Jihon asked, parking the car.

"To the store?" What for? Jaekyung was surprised.

"Yes, I need to buy something.

"Then I'll go with you."

As a result, the men went together to the nearest round-the-clock mini-market. Entering inside, Jihong immediately rushed to the refrigerator with drinks. Jaekyung, seeing that he was choosing alcohol, asked, "Are you serious?" Have you come for him?

"yes. Do you want something? Jihon suggested, stepping aside. But the guy just shook his head.

"Buy it only for yourself." I don't drink.

"Really?" You don't drink at all?

— No, I don't. I just got drunk once and did stupid things, which is why I no longer touch alcohol.

"Come on, what have you done?" Jihong asked with a smile, but Jaekyung didn't answer. It was clear from his facial expressions that he did not want to tell, and he did not insist anymore.

"Well, anyway, it's better not to drink," Jihon agreed, opening the refrigerator door. "Deciding to quit drinking because of an accident and then not taking a drop in your mouth is impressive. You can do absolutely anything.

"I've already done everything," Jaekyung said calmly.

"Exactly," Jihon laughed.@@@@

When they got home, Jihong went to the shower first. When he finished, he noticed how Jaekyung had prepared everything prudently: he took out a package of six cans of beer, placed them one at a time on the table, and poured the popcorn and mixed nuts into the plates.

For an ordinary person, this would be a trifle, but for Kwon Jae-kyung, who has never even washed a cup after himself and is used to being served, not to mention cleaning or using a washing machine, which, by the way, he only experienced in Ji-heon's house, this is a real achievement.

"Hey, you've really become a human," Jihon laughed with genuine surprise.

A slight bewilderment did not stop Jaekyung from opening the jar, filling the glass, trying to pour it without foam, and handing it to Jihon. Moreover, as soon as he took a sip of the drink, Jaekyung, as if choosing the right moment, deftly peeled the pistachio and carefully put it in his mouth. In fact, both popcorn and nuts were chosen by Jaekyung.

Jihon is not one to eat snacks with alcohol and only bought beer. But when they were in the store, the guy paid for them separately. Jihon thought that he just wanted something to eat. And now it became clear that everything was designed to feed him.

"What's wrong with you today?" Why are you acting so nice? It doesn't look like you at all.

To which Jaekyung snorted mockingly, as if to say, "What is this hyun carrying?" Before, he would have dropped everything and stood up when he heard that he was called cute, but now he sat there with feigned equanimity. Probably, over the past few days, he had even begun to enjoy receiving such compliments. Moreover, Jaekyung took the popcorn again and put it in Jihong's mouth, asking, "Why did you suddenly decide to drink today?"

"I just wanted to.

As soon as Jihong put the empty glass on the table, Jaekyung, squinting, asked, "Why?" Did you like that older one before?

"Senior?" Who?

"The one who gave you the invitation to the wedding.

The unexpected conclusion caused Jihon to laugh loudly: "Are you crazy?"

"But why do you drink then?" Jaekyung could not calm down in his suspicions.

After all, Jihong hadn't even had a glass at dinner in the past few months, and then suddenly he decided to drink, so his conclusions seemed quite logical.

— No, it's just that in the last few days I really wanted to. But because of the filming, I decided to wait for it to be finished. And tomorrow is a day off, so—" With that, Jihong poured himself another beer.

When Jihong added that he wasn't particularly close to those seniors even at the university, Jaekyung finally calmed down. And again he began to peel the pistachios. Jihong noticed that he was focused only on them. Of all the variety on the table, he obviously liked them more than almonds or popcorn.

"But why did you even ask them such useless questions?" What difference does it make to you what I did at the club?

"I'm interested in hearing stories about you that I don't know. What courses did you attend, what did you do in the club, what did you do at festivals? I want to know absolutely everything. And you almost don't talk about it yourself. Jaekyung replied without looking up from the process.

Jihong stared at him for a while, and then decided to tease him a little: "Well, about the courses, but everything else is mostly related to my past affairs. You're not jealous, are you?

— ...

But Jaekyung, frowning, remained silent and continued to squint discontentedly, slowly chewing on dried cranberries. To which Jihon, grinning, drank the remaining beer. And then he opened a new jar and casually said: "Come on, don't be jealous. You heard I quickly parted with them. And the longest relationship lasted about four months.

- And why did you meet at all then?

"Well, just... They said they liked me. Mumbling, Jihong took a sip straight from the jar.

"I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about them," Jaekyung objected and began to peel the pistachios again.

"Probably, it's all the fault that they voiced my own thoughts. That's why it was difficult for me to get rid of that disgusting feeling," Jihon concluded inwardly.

At that time, Jihong was constantly worried about one thing: "If I quit swimming, who will now look at me with approval? And why praise me? What is the value in me?" These thoughts kept him awake at night. Because at that time, he believed that swimming was all he had.

"Maybe because I was in the spotlight, I was scared not so much of my future or career as of the opinion of others.

Jihong was afraid that disappointed parents would no longer be proud of him, that friends who boasted about knowing the national athlete, as well as adults who always said what a good job he was, would suddenly turn away from him, considering him a pathetic coward.

"So just after I quit swimming, I started doing different things. I needed to prove to myself that I was still worth something, even without swimming.

Since preferential admission for athletes became impossible, Jihon, although late, began training and was enrolled in the university he dreamed of. Already at the university, he worked even harder. So that no one would think that he was doing sports only for the sake of admission, Jihong paid special attention to his grades, tried harder than others. And he did not miss a single event or meeting.

But the more Jihon went out of his way, the more he felt that something was wrong. Any activity brought joy only at the very beginning, and then quickly got boring. His body was basically just present, but his mind was always somewhere else.

The same thing happened in relationships. If someone liked him, he felt happy. He was genuinely touched by someone else's interest. It was so pleasant that Jihong immediately agreed, doing everything possible for his partner just out of gratitude.

However, artificial, empty manifestations of feelings are sooner or later recognized by everyone. So, after going through several unsuccessful relationships, Jihon became more and more convinced that he was a worthless person, unable to take responsibility and see anything through.

And gradually Jihon became more and more closed and cautious. In the end, he began to take a detached stance, preparing for the breakup: "We're going to run away soon anyway, right? Well, in a couple of months at most. So it is better not to overshadow this time with quarrels and keep good memories of each other."

"Later I realized that there were probably people who didn't like this behavior... Because I have always only adapted to others. I ignored my desires and usually answered: "Okay, if you want, I like it too, let's do it together."

The realization that such a position could upset his beloved came to him only recently after Jaekyung's words. Unconditional kindness and the desire to meet other people's expectations in everything is, in fact, a signal that you yourself have neither desires nor ambitions.

"To be honest, maybe I myself unconsciously wanted to show this, as if hinting: "I just accepted your confession not because I like you. I agreed because you proposed. Therefore, if you decide to break off relations with me, I will not be sad." I wanted to make it clear that even if I was abandoned, I would not become particularly unhappy or humiliated.

Having said that, Jihong finished the remaining beer in one gulp. As he crumpled the empty jar, he felt the world sway slightly before his eyes again.

"It seems that I really got drunk," Jihong admitted to himself.

Get drunk from just three cans of beer? How ridiculous. Maybe it was because he drank on an empty stomach? Or perhaps hormones have had an effect?

What difference does it make, for what reason. The main thing is the result. And because of this, he said too much to Jaekyung. After all, now he can be disappointed in him: "Hyung, I thought you were completely different. I thought you were cool, but in fact you are some kind of pathetic and unremarkable person." Perhaps Jaekyung even despises him now. That is why Jihong was afraid to be frank.

Habitually opening a new jar, Jihon waited for the reaction of his interlocutor. As if he couldn't wait to get the final bullet, he wanted him to quickly condemn and criticize him for all his worthlessness.

But instead...

"Why do you think you're irresponsible, hyung?" Jaekyung finally asked, being in total bewilderment.

— After all, you studied until graduation, did club affairs, did everything to the end, didn't you? And he also went to lectures from other faculties. It means that you have responsibility. If you do something easily and joyfully, it's just because you like it. What does responsibility have to do with it? It manifests itself when you go forward, against all odds.

The more Jaekyung spoke, the brighter his expression showed that he understood less and less how Jihong had formed such an opinion of himself.

"And then," he continued, "every time I refused to participate in the relay, I was also told that I was irresponsible and unworthy of being on the national team. But I have never considered myself as such. Because I always did what I had to do and never caused anyone a problem.

"And we're similar in that, hyung," Jaekyung said in a firm and determined voice.

"Hyung, you're not irresponsible at all. You've always done the best you could. He never caused any inconvenience to anyone. To be honest, I have never met such a uselessly responsible person as you in my life.

In the word "useless", Jihong caught a slight dissatisfaction and could not hold back his laughter.

"Even in a relationship," Jaekyung continued, "you've never been the first to talk about breaking up. And with your character, I probably tried harder than others.

Jaekyung, emphasizing his rightness, even banged his fist on the table. Jihong looked at him with a smile and then nodded.

"Yes, perhaps you are right.

After all, when the relationship was just beginning, it was exciting, and he felt grateful. He wanted to take care and please. And when I saw happiness on the face of another person, I experienced it myself.

"Maybe that's why I lost my confidence. I felt like I was doing the best I could, but I still ended up being abandoned. It made me think that something was wrong with me from the very beginning. And I'm a spoiled person.

Even if he was prepared in advance for a sad ending, it was always difficult to say goodbye. Even if he did not love those people with all his heart, but at the moment of parting, he felt as if something was dying in his soul. And it wasn't just sadness — it seemed to him that this was another confirmation of his inferiority.

That's why I said I didn't want any more relationships. I don't want to hurt myself again and make sure I'm worthless. Do you understand, blockhead? Jihong said, deliberately throwing a seed of popcorn at Jaekyong with a smile. Then he opened a new can of beer and drank almost half of it in one gulp.

Jihong expected him to snort, "And you're worried about such nonsense, hyung? You bother too much about trifles!"

But Jaekyung didn't say anything. He was leaning on the table and propping his chin with his hand, just quietly looking at him. It wasn't until he had almost drained his jar that Jaekyung finally spoke.

"It's a pity that I'm not your age or older than you.

He wasn't smiling, but he didn't look sad or angry. With the same usual calm air, he said it as if he were simply stating a fact.

"If we were the same age or I was older, I would go to the same university with you, be the first to confess my feelings, and we would start dating. And, of course, they would never part. I wouldn't give anyone else a chance, I would keep you close to me until I die.

Jihon suddenly wanted to cry. But not because he really regretted the past or that things could have turned out differently. He was just so moved. Jaekyung accepted his confession without a trace of mockery or disappointment, only lamenting with a slight melancholy that they had not met sooner. He liked how much Jaekyung appreciated him. Even more than he valued himself. This boundless love and care, immeasurably greater than he deserved, filled Jihon with a feeling of inexpressible gratitude, ready to burst out at any moment in a flood of tears.